Macchars don’t wear sweaters

Archive for January 2010

You’re a publicly listed company, with heaps of money.  You have to spend the money somewhere, but you’re not sure where. You also need to tell everyone you’re doing something.

So, you hire a consultation company for 2 crores, and ask them to give you some recommendations about what you should do.  Now, a consultancy is a company like yours, which let alone tell you what to do, barely knows what it itself should do.

So it delegates the task to a fresh MBA intern, hoping he might know better since hes fresh out of MBA.

Now the intern couldn’t make head or tail of strategic management in college (he incidentally goes on to write a book on strategic management after many years), and had hoped to learn on-job, and is put in a corner. Afraid of losing his job, and also not wanting to do any harm, he decides the best thing to do is to tell the company to do nothing (or recommend harmless changes which dont really make a difference like changing a slogan from “ghuma ki piyo” to “daba ke piyo”). So the intern creates a one page word document asking the company to do nothing, but since he cant say it directly, he makes it sound nice using words he learnt in strategic management, and breaks it up into multiple bullet points.

The consultancy hands you this one page word document in a year.

Aap bhi khush, shareholders bhi kush, intern bhi khush, consultancy bhi khush.  Ho gayi strategic management.

If you thought dying characters  who just wont go, or cheap tricks to extract tears and goose bumps (think Black where Rani Mukherjee and Amitabh Bacchhan hobble towards each other saying aaaaa aaaaa aaaaaaa aaaaaaa to a violin orchestra playing in the background) was over the top Bollywood fare, here’s one for you:-

1) Rancho and his pals are expelled from college for pissing on the principals door, and are on their way out (Sharman’s heart rending tears dont work)

2) Relentless rains bring city to a halt

3) Principals daughter experiences excruciating labor pains and needs to be rushed to the hospital. Car breaks down in rainwater. Rancho and friends come across car.

One would expect Rancho and friends to help the daughter get to the hospital, setting the stage for a pardon from a principal. Not in the Raj Kumar Hirani scheme of things.

4) Rancho and friends carry daughter to college mess and lay her on the TT table. Kareena instructs them to do the delivery themselves.

You might think they would help deliver the baby, setting the stage for a tearful reconciliation and forgiveness. Not in Raj’s world.

5) Rancho dives between the daughter’s legs, but daughter is too exhausted to push out baby. Need a suction pump to pull out the baby. Rancho, brilliant that he is, designs suction pump from vaccum clear.

You may think Rancho will use the suction pump to deliver the baby, be applauded by all for his brilliance, be forgiven and all will be well. No way says Raj.

6) Light goes. Rancho utilizes second invention – car battery powered inverter. Uses it to start vaccum cleaner and laptop for remote instructions. Delivers baby successfully.

Your goose bumps are tired by now. You would think the delivery would lead to a hug filled reconciliation, all around forgiveness, and happiness for all. Abe jaldi kya hai – says Raj.

7) Baby appears to be stillborn. Doesn’t cry or respond to revival attempts. Rancho says “aaal is well” and baby comes back to life.

WHAT NEXT???? YOU SAY. “DOES THE MOTHER DIE NOW??” Packup – says Raj.