How to Cook a Bollywood Movie (published in DS Youth Mag Delhi, & TradeExpress Asia, Manila)
Posted February 19, 2007on:
Recipe for Masala’ e’ Hindi Pikture
- Put the base, i.e., a plain Hollywood movie in a large based utensil over medium-high heat. Let the mixture simmer over the fire a little. Drain off core theme, serious dialogues and meaningful messages – if present.
- Pour in wise, vulnerable, sincere, on a social reformist mission, uncompromising on values, disinterested in meaningless sex, impeccable English speaker but inclined towards Hindi, dancing expert, karate 7 dan male protagonist; and voluptuous, sensuous, cutely dumb yet wise, modern yet rooted in traditional values, dancing expert female lead. Also pour in generous portions of chili romance, spicy chili college songs, diced slap stick humor and sugary happiness. Keep stirring occasionally and cook for half an hour.
- Now very slowly add 10 heaping spoonfuls of misunderstandings, gently blending it into the mixture. Add uni-dimensional antagonist with crazy eyes, pet dialogue, and strange name (for eg bhai ji, baap ji, dong, dang, bacchu yadav, bhageera) and 20 heaping spoonfuls of violence. Add revenge, honor, traditional values, patriotism, and glory/sacrifice of motherhood. Season with car chases, punch ups, gun fights, ugly baddy sidekicks, lovemaking scenes, politician bashing, western value bashing, Pakistan bashing, makeups, breakups, sexy sidekick to lead baddie, doting wife, dedicated friends, tears, and thundering glorious monologues. Stir to blend, then cover and simmer over low heat for at least 2 hours, stirring occasionally.
- After 2 hours, finally add 30 scoops of climax/anticlimax paste. Cook over intense fire for 20 minutes.
- Serve in bowl; evenly sprinkle importunate item songs for decoration.
Warning: Not for the delicate of digestion