Macchars don’t wear sweaters

All of you are right when you say 3 Idiots had some very important messages for us. Here’s what i learnt:-

People who follow their heart while choosing careers can deliver babies on a TT table without any prior experience using a vacuum cleaner powered by an inverter which runs on car batteries. They can also revive dead babies.

You’re a publicly listed company, with heaps of money.  You have to spend the money somewhere, but you’re not sure where. You also need to tell everyone you’re doing something.

So, you hire a consultation company for 2 crores, and ask them to give you some recommendations about what you should do.  Now, a consultancy is a company like yours, which let alone tell you what to do, barely knows what it itself should do.

So it delegates the task to a fresh MBA intern, hoping he might know better since hes fresh out of MBA.

Now the intern couldn’t make head or tail of strategic management in college (he incidentally goes on to write a book on strategic management after many years), and had hoped to learn on-job, and is put in a corner. Afraid of losing his job, and also not wanting to do any harm, he decides the best thing to do is to tell the company to do nothing (or recommend harmless changes which dont really make a difference like changing a slogan from “ghuma ki piyo” to “daba ke piyo”). So the intern creates a one page word document asking the company to do nothing, but since he cant say it directly, he makes it sound nice using words he learnt in strategic management, and breaks it up into multiple bullet points.

The consultancy hands you this one page word document in a year.

Aap bhi khush, shareholders bhi kush, intern bhi khush, consultancy bhi khush.  Ho gayi strategic management.

If you thought dying characters  who just wont go, or cheap tricks to extract tears and goose bumps (think Black where Rani Mukherjee and Amitabh Bacchhan hobble towards each other saying aaaaa aaaaa aaaaaaa aaaaaaa to a violin orchestra playing in the background) was over the top Bollywood fare, here’s one for you:-

1) Rancho and his pals are expelled from college for pissing on the principals door, and are on their way out (Sharman’s heart rending tears dont work)

2) Relentless rains bring city to a halt

3) Principals daughter experiences excruciating labor pains and needs to be rushed to the hospital. Car breaks down in rainwater. Rancho and friends come across car.

One would expect Rancho and friends to help the daughter get to the hospital, setting the stage for a pardon from a principal. Not in the Raj Kumar Hirani scheme of things.

4) Rancho and friends carry daughter to college mess and lay her on the TT table. Kareena instructs them to do the delivery themselves.

You might think they would help deliver the baby, setting the stage for a tearful reconciliation and forgiveness. Not in Raj’s world.

5) Rancho dives between the daughter’s legs, but daughter is too exhausted to push out baby. Need a suction pump to pull out the baby. Rancho, brilliant that he is, designs suction pump from vaccum clear.

You may think Rancho will use the suction pump to deliver the baby, be applauded by all for his brilliance, be forgiven and all will be well. No way says Raj.

6) Light goes. Rancho utilizes second invention – car battery powered inverter. Uses it to start vaccum cleaner and laptop for remote instructions. Delivers baby successfully.

Your goose bumps are tired by now. You would think the delivery would lead to a hug filled reconciliation, all around forgiveness, and happiness for all. Abe jaldi kya hai – says Raj.

7) Baby appears to be stillborn. Doesn’t cry or respond to revival attempts. Rancho says “aaal is well” and baby comes back to life.

WHAT NEXT???? YOU SAY. “DOES THE MOTHER DIE NOW??” Packup – says Raj.

love is not a pair of scales,
virtue and vice, weighed on each side,
a tipping for virtue, rewarded with love,

for which cheated wife, did not forgive her mate?
which coldly spurned lover, did not think twilight thoughts of his beloved?
and sigh, at what may have been, and might still be (oh, desperate hope)
which mother, did deny her comforting womb, to her murderer son?

love, rather, is a fickle little devil,
inclined towards beauty and power,
but not always,
it owes no’one nothing,
not as true as it is made out to be,
but all consuming,
for a time at least,
till it renews its search for a muse,

so stop playing your game of “should”,
as that is not love’s game.
stop harping upon your graces,
and curse the sky,
because love never was about deserving was it?

My feeling of superiority developed over many years, when i was amongst a few in the class to introduce ourselves as “I am so and so” as opposed to “I is so and so” or its variation “myself is so and so”; was dashed when i saw a girl on TV describing her reactions to a certain situation with “and I’s like” “and then I’s like”. And the girl couldnt even be written off disdainfully as she wasn’t of the pendu category i was hitherto used to dealing with. After repeated encounters with “I’s like”, when i had almost decided to introduce myself as “I’s Pankaj”, to not be an outdated laughing stock, i discovered that “I’s like” may actually represent “I was like”. A friend also suggested “I’s like” may stand for “I likez”, i.e., a youthful way of expressing ones preference for something.

They may have a point.

Madhur Bhandarkar’s idea of the ultimate depth of moral decadence - sleeping with a black man.

Stages of Priyanka’s moral dissipation

1. Priyanka Chopra, a nice small town girl from Chandigarh (LIES!!), is corrupted by the corrupt world of Fashion, and treats her former true friends like dirt.
2. Falling further through the moral stratosphere, she starts smoking and drinking (chee chee).
3. Continuing on her downward moral spiral, she starts going to parties.
4. Just when you thought she couldnt get any more immoral she starts taking drugs.
5. The ULTIMATE in moral hell – she sleeps with a black man (looks like a kabila dancer)(working in roadies promos these days)
6. Since it cant get any worse, she starts recovering moral ground.

Madhur Bhandarkar’s idea of realism – A bunch of drivers at a funeral “madam dil ki bahut acchi thi. bhagwan acche logon ko apne paas kyon bula leta hai“. A bunch of rich ladies at the funeral “meri nayi designer mourning Sari kaisi lagi? accha hua mar gayi, kaafi time se koi marr nahi raha tha pehen-ne ka mauka nahi mil raha tha“.

Anurag Kashyap’s idea of realism – Girls saying “choooooootiye” and “harami“. Characters with callous eyes whose sentences never have more than 5 words.

Farhan Akhtar’s idea of realism – Record all dialogues in a closed bathroom for the muffled echoing sound, with the flush in the background. Nothing else need change.

Continuing from an earlier piece “the adorable anda“,  my thoughts drifted the other night to another of my childhood Mohalla friends, who forms an equally important part of my memories of growing up. Bhatti Ustaad was hardly accorded the respect suggested by the title of this post, and was most often referred to as “Bhatti”, a take on his name Sunil Dutt Bhatt (it is said that his name was chosen because his father was a great fan of Sunil Dutt, which had me speculate what his name would have been if his father was a fan of Mithun Chakarborty or Amitabh Bacchan).

With a name which so presented itself to rhyming, it was natural for the mohalla kids to take it on, and after numerous poetic flights finally settled on the genius “bhatti ne chatti apni tatti” (i may like to believe that i first tried my hand at poetry only in my late 20s, but looking back, it seems it is here the seeds were sown).  Once it caught on, it almost became a theme for Bhatti and was repeated for his benefit at every available pretext (or variations like “bhatti ne chatti apni khatti khatti tatti“). But not the kind of person to be bogged down, and being a bold boisterous soul himself, Bhatti soon came up with a resounding retort (he thought) – “jisne kaha bhatti, usne de chatti”. The following sparring became a frequent part of our everyday playground chatter:-

us – bhatti ne chatti apni tatti

bhatti – jisne kaha bhatti, usne de chatti

This was until the andi bandi sandi fad caught on, when Bhatti decided it was time to give up his trusty retort, and used the power of andi bandi sandi to invent “jisne kaha bhatti, uski andi bandi sandi“. The consequences and implications of retorting to an andi bandi sandi were too grim for anybody to attempt it.

Bhatti’s father was the owner of a small local mechanic shop, and I remember spending many an evening at his place helping him tally his father’s records. It is pertinent to mention that this is how I came to discover Bhatti’s talent of 2 writings. He had a regular writing where every letter was disjointed and had a grotesque stoutness which would make you think he was a a retard, but magically, he could suddenly begin writing in the most beautiful flowing cursive writing surpassing every convent educated kid you ever saw. Me and others would often sit around and wonder at the mystery of Bhatti’s “2 writings”.

Bhatti spent a lot of time at his father’s garage, returning in the evenings with greased clothes and hands, and professed great knowledge on the subject of automobiles. I couldn’t help but view him admiringly, when he would thoughtfully inspect many a crippled vehicle and give his expert verdict “iske carburetor mein kachra hai“. Once we had purchased our second hand Yamaha RX 100, I would often need to go to him for his expert opinion whenever the infernal machine refused to start, at which he would inspect it with the same thoughtfulness and give the same verdict “iske carburetor mein kachra hai“. But although he was an expert, his pet vehicle was not an automobile (though he would intermittently use the Toro or old Fiat at his house if the need for speed was greater) his trademark vehicle was his black Hero Ranger, which he bought second hand from Nishu (if you remember). It was almost a part of his body, and he would seldom be seen without it. He often told stories of beating vehicles in pace and would describe the look on the drivers faces in great detail when they saw Bhatti’s cycle shoot past their motors.

Apart from helping Bhatti with his father’s records, i would often go to his place to study with him and Suresh (his cousin) whose family  lived in another section of the same floor of the same house. Here their demonic “Chandi mamaji” would come in the evenings to teach them, who struck terror in our young souls, and i can still remember the swiftness and force with which he could deliver a slap. We would be sitting around studying something, and suddenly in the blur of a mili second, a hand would fly out and CRACKK!!! a sound would echo around the room a few times, leaving everyone stunned for a minute, including the one on whose face a deep red mark and scowl had formed by now.  Chandi mamaji also introduced me to the “tripathi learning technique” according to which you should read something thrice, and if you still couldn’t memorize it, you never would.

Bhatti, who frankly wasn’t very bright at studies, developed the art of mugging to new heights. He would mug each answer of each chapter with precision, and after mugging every answer to every question word to word, he would follow that up with mugging each question to each answer, lest he forget which answer belonged to which question. But the human mind has its limits, and the fruits of Bhatti’s efforts would disappear into thin air once in the exam hall. Unfortunately this had only me to suffer. Being great chums that we were, we would often be seated one after another. My determination to not waste my time and show him anything would start to weaken when every second i would hear urgent whispers “thodi side pe karke likh” “aur side pe” “haath naa hila” and non compliance would lead to the most heart rending whispered implorations “kake, dikha de yaar please” “kake kuch nahi aata seriously KUCH nahi“. If i still managed to hold my ground there was no way i could ignore the finger he started to jab in my ribs to gain my attention – you try attempting an exam with a finger jabbing deep into your ribs from behind every second!!!

To be Continued….

Lying here in my bed, my sleep broken at an unusual early hour, listening to acoustic Pink Floyd tunes, I am tempted to write a tribute for the great musicians. Having rediscovered Pink Floyd after many years, its a subject i’ve been meaning to write on for a while, and will most likely write a more detailed piece than I can manage now. But i would certainly like the share the beautiful tunes i have been listening to the last hour.

The still and solitude of the early morning is perhaps the perfect mood for Pink Floyd. It is hardly the music of happiness, seeking to explore not a chaotic or depressed negativity, but the expanse of the dark side. Even in its negativity, the music is uplifting, and touches deep chords. Insanity is a frequent theme of its works – ‘you reached for the secret to soon‘, ‘there’s a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky‘. Their sound and words have an incredible longing – ‘where where you, when i was hurt and i was helpless‘ ‘the days passed me by, at my window, watching‘ ‘how i wish, how i wish you were here‘. The staggering solos and chord progressions, make you wonder how such sound can be extracted from the fretboard. Notice the acoustic solos in the following videos, which are the most moving at their gentlest.

(notice the ominousness of the sound. and the music suddenly drops away at the end, for an incredibly soft solo)

Barking dogs may not bite, but spurned lovers do.

Love me for a reason, and let the reason be looks (thats why i love you)

Love me for a reason, and let the reason not be looks (or you’d run away)

All great leaders have archival memories for dirty jokes

Life is all about…….baaki sochna padega

woman on why she voted for congress – this country needs strong, young and handsome leadership

to say you love your spouse after 10 years is like chewing a gum for 2 weeks and saying its still sweet.